Waynie

I think we all know someone who has suffered the debilitating effects of depression, or have suffered the complete oppression that only our minds can bring. Tragically, some of us have first hand experience of the life shattering events that can occur if depression is left unmentioned, and untreated. I want you to know that I don’t participate in Movember just to experiment with facial styling; even though I might make light of this in my blog. There is a real reason I participate in Movember, and his name was Adam.

Adam was an amazing man. Despite growing up in a very troubled family environment, Adam was an incredible person with an addictive smile, and a very warm heart. He was a very intelligent, creative and articulate person; both an excellent scholar and an up-and-coming amateur sportsman. He was very passionate about his sport, although sadly I never got to see him play.

Our relationship was one which many didn’t understand. I was still in high school, and Adam was a mere two years older. We were separated by what seemed an insurmountable distance at the time, living our relationship through online chat and excessive Telstra bills. We did meet, and spent a memorable time together despite all the obstacles in our path. Adam was my first love, my first boyfriend.

At the time we were both living with our parents, and with both of us recently ‘coming out’, our parents didn’t understand and blamed the other for what was nobody’s fault. I don’t know if it was due to this misunderstanding, or just the simple economics of the several hundred dollars of monthly phone bills, but both our parents took it upon themselves to stop us from communicating. Mobile phones were disconnected, computers confiscated. Our relationship reduced to late night calls when sneaking to the local phone booth, and writing letters and poems to each other.

If this were the only obstacle, I’m sure it could be overcome, however this was just one of the events causing dark thoughts in Adam. His mother had remarried some time ago, and his step father was never accepting of Adam. I long suspected that Adam’s step father beat him and verbally abused him, and it became quite clear that this was the case when Adam came out of the closet. He did this to try to make it easier for his parents to accept our relationship, but the reality was that it caused a rift in his home, for which he suffered. I never knew of Adam’s natural father. It wasn’t something he spoke of. However, I feel that the loss of his father, and the acts of his step father were part of the cause of Adam’s frequent depression.

Adam wasn’t the most prolific writer, however I still have the few things that he sent me. It is incredibly hard to interpret someone’s mindset on paper; its very easy to disguise the drama that goes on in your life. I knew that Adam had just found a new job, and more importantly been accepted into a highly prestigious sporting academy to develop his sporting career.

Everything seemed to be going well, and even though we missed each other terribly, I felt positive that we would solve the distance and separation issues once I got myself a job and became independent of my parents. However, in December 1995, just as this was about to occur, something changed. I received a letter from Adam which set me into a pure panic. This was no subtle warning, and was a quite clear statement that something was deeply wrong. Below is an extract from that letter…

Needless to say, this set me into a blind panic. I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t reach him on the internet, what was I to do? I did eventually get a message through to him but was left with the fear that something horrible was about to happen, and there was little I could do about it.

I don’t know the events that occurred on the 21st of January 1996. I came home, from where I cannot remember, and my mother told me she had to tell me something. I remember seeing the heartbreak in her own face, and fearing the absolute worst. And sadly, I was right. Some time around the 21st of January, Adam, my boyfriend and my first love, made a decision that he could no longer face a life that seemed to be out of control. Despite his strength and his resolve, he could not see a way out of his depression nor a way to continue. Adam took his own life.

We all remember our first love, and I will always remember Adam for the time we had together. I will not let my memory of Adam be of his death, however in my grieving I built a resolve to face my own demons, to fight, and to never let this happen to myself or to anybody that I love. I wish that I had the knowledge and experience that I have now to help save Adam’s life, and the amazing services that places like Beyond Blue offer to the community. Please, if you haven’t already done so, please donate to Movember to assist Beyond Blue in the wonderful work they do to help those facing the same demons as my Adam did.

You really could save a life.